Something to Be Grateful for (Parts I & II)
Something to Be Grateful for (Part I)
I’ve always been fascinated that certain romantic relationships get discounted due to qualities thought contaminating. Marrying for money probably tops the list and, from a qualitative standpoint, is probably as justified as the censure is severe. For people who do it always pretend that love is the true reason even when their actions say otherwise. But gratitude is another attribute often hurled as an accusation invalidating the integrity of various relationships. “She only married him out of gratitude,” is heard on many soap operas as a signal that the romance is facing certain doom in future episodes. Not only that, but the assumed error of judgment is so grave that the impending doom is implied as being well deserved.
But does gratitude really deserve such a bad rap? I think we need to take another look, because gratitude as an emotion rarely stands alone. Usually it floats visibly atop complex outcomes fueling a more complex web of feelings. Unless we dive beneath the shiny surface of gratitude’s exterior shell, we won’t know what the emotion is based on–what other fish it’s swimming with–and our analysis risks being superficial.
So if we stand back and take a look, what do we see? Well, the thing that pops out at me is that gratitude is a common emotion, experienced often by people who have good things (like love) happen to them. In fact, gratitude is experienced so often in our culture, and in so many ways, and to so many different degrees, that we should turn the question around and ask how any successful relationship could possibly function without it? Can you show me a successful relationship where the lovers are not grateful to each other, and in manifold ways? Doesn’t it all depend on what’s behind gratitude’s visible facade? If your lover takes care of many little things that matter for you, isn’t that something to be grateful for? And isn’t that gratitude bound to feed the relationship in a way that will make it richer, deeper, and better? I see mainly good things coming out of a relationship that’s laced with gratitude. In fact, the more the better. Show me a relationship that’s healthy and vibrant, and I’ll show you lovers who are grateful to have each other. And do you think that is likely to change over time? What role is gratitude likely to play as intimate couples mature? That will be the subject of part II of this article.
Something to Be Grateful for (Part II)
In part I, we explored gratitude in romantic relationships and found that, despite its bad reputation in many story lines, gratitude is actually a universal and indispensable attribute of any successful relationship. In this piece, I want to discuss the special role that gratitude can play in older relationships. Let me give you my premise here, right up front, and it is that gratitude can be used by older couples as a kind of barometer of their ongoing success-or lack thereof. Why is this important, or even useful? One reason is that relationships change as they age, and many couples seem to lose track of where they are as lovers. We’ve all seen this. The physical attributes that attract lovers in their youth tend to tarnish as the decades progress. The web of attractions between the lovers, if successful, will a assume a bouquet of more subtle qualities, and then there’s this rising inventory of shared experiences that gains importance. Throughout all that change, gratitude can be used as one barometer of ongoing success. For if you feel grateful to have your spouse of twenty or thirty years, then that is surely telling you something about the level of your success. Likewise, the absence of grateful feelings provides important information that can be vital. Just asking questions about why the feeling is missing can be an important starting point in damage repair and remediation.
And there’s something else, something subtle that many older couples experience. As the physical attributes fade, and the collection of shared experiences swells larger and larger, the sheer mass of those experiences can tip the axis of a relationship-like the gravity of some massive celestial object, attracting in progressively stronger ways. If your memory of those experiences is good, and if your spouse is a big part of the reason, and if that runs as a common thread through scores of memories, then I’d say that is simply gratitude as a symptom of love that has truly stood the test of time. It’s a message that most of us would be happy to receive. And I suspect most couples would find it worth investing in the relationship-maintenance and repair through the years-in order to receive it.
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R (Rob) Costelloe
Coinage of Commitment was published in June of 2007. In a departure from conventional novels of this genre, this love story describes characters who love at a higher level than the world all around them, a level requiring mental preparation as well as emotional commitment. The lovers face unique challenges in reaching the zenith they seek, and the story examines some of the challenges and pitfalls they face on their journey. The manuscript received multiple contract offers for publication, and Saga Books published it on a fast track basis in less than three months. To learn more, visit Rob’s website at rCostelloe.com
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Tags: higher love, love, romance, romantic love, romantic relationships
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