The Value of Intimate Gestures and Habits
A while back on a family trip, my single adult daughter commented how distasteful it was that her mother and I shared the same toothbrush. This sort of thing had come up before, and her comment was more resigned–like a sigh–than spirited. I smiled at the comment, but said nothing. Later I recalled my emotional reaction: a determined feeling that I wouldn’t think of ending the practice. But then it occurred to me that I didn’t understand the basis for my own feelings. I thought it over, and it took a while for my mind to figure out what my emotions already knew: viz. that the habit was a valuable intimacy that I shared with my wife. This one was of special value, since it was an intimate gesture often executed when my wife was not present, so that if I happened to remember the ritual, it would cause me to think of her, and lovingly, since she would occasionally be doing the same thing in the same sentimental way—something I later verified was still the case with her.
My daughter is a health care professional, and she understandably disdained the practice as an unnecessary health risk. What she didn’t understand was that the risk was tiny for people who already exchange sexual intimacy, and that the risk factor gave spice to an intimate habit of small but noticeable value to our marriage. One side comment worth inserting here is that in the event of serious communicable sickness, a situation where the risks are clearly defined and clearly high, we naturally suspend all physical contact for the sake of sparing the other.
But all these boundary conditions aside, it is fair game to ask about the value of such a gesture. Why is it worthwhile? Why is it even worth the bother? Well, ultimately it comes down to a certain type of nourishment that every romantic relationship needs if it is to stay vibrant over time. That is simply the power and necessity of expressing affection. Let’s be explicit here, because this is a fundamental that so many, many couples miss, and so many go seriously off track as a consequence. If you love your mate and you want your relationship to keep its poignance, then you need to tell her you love her. Yes, I know you’ve already told her a thousand times; yes, she surely already knows it, but that’s not the point. Telling her is very reinforcing and strengthens your relationship every time you do it. Think of it as daily maintenance for the emotion that drove you to make her your wife in the first place. Did I say daily? Yes, I did but not in the sense of telling her once a day. No, you need to tell her more frequently than that, probably more like six times a day, minimum. Try it, you’ll like it. You’ll especially like it if you’re truly interested in preserving the sharp edge to your intimacy. Really, it does wonders. But experiment. I mentioned six times a day, but it’s better to find the right frequency for your particular relationship. For my wife and I, it’s about twelve times a day, except that kisses are also included in the count, and that frequency is something that we have established over decades of trial and error.
So how does the toothbrush intimacy play in this discussion? Well, it is simply a special case way of expressing and exchanging affection, special because we don’t have to be together to have the mechanism operate and give each of us its benefit. And since it is such a unique way of receiving affection, it is not one I would ever want to give up.
